mike brown
Mike Brown: Crazy Crazy Cats
It’s no secret that I love my cat Jet Pack. I used to hate cats. I still hate most cats. Most cats are selfish pretentious dicks. They think they know everything and can do whatever the fuck they want. Sounds like most hipsters I know. I bet if cats listened to music their record collections would totally suck. But Jet Pack? Nope, he’s awesome and here’s why. … read more
Mike Brown Stalks His Ex-GF
Ah, the one that got away. The one you thought would last forever and ever and ever, keeping your stomach full of delightful butterflies. The one that first ripped your heart out Indiana Jones-style and introduces you to the cruel ways of love. The one who got hooked on crystal meth and made you realize you had to break up with her via a collect call from the county jail. This was my first serious girlfriend. … read more
Mike Brown: Boobs
When I asked the SLUG editors what they wanted me to write my article about this month, they were very specific. They told me not to write it about Mike Brown Fest 5 (Urban Lounge, Oct 30). Instead, they specifically asked me to write about things I am familiar with. The editors asked me to write about boobs, even though they both have boobs and I don’t. Now I’m faced with the challenge of writing 850 words about tits with a broken pinkie finger. I like a challenge. … read more
Mike Brown: Zines and Shit
So I write a zine and shit. Zack Hammers, an imaginary skateboarder I made up, wanted to interview me about my zine, The Leviathan. So I kindly obliged, even though Zack Hammers is a total asshole. I respect him because he’s not afraid to ask the tough questions. … read more
Mike Brown: I’m Drunk Right Now
I’m drunk right now. How drunk? Well not so drunk that I can’t write this article, but drunk enough that I might slur in it. Not so drunk that I’ll forget my train of thought, but drunk enough that I might crash that train. But fuck it, it’s the beer issue so I might as well take full advantage of the adverse effects of alcohol and at least write one article for SLUG while wasted. … read more
Mike Brown Gets All Twiztid
I’ve decided that this is the last time I write about Juggalos for a while. Sorry folks, but after attending the Twiztid show, I think the clowns are finally on to me. I know it’s not the same caliber of journalism as a reporter covering the war first hand, dodging bullets while taking notes. But I once again ventured into the eye of the Juggalo hurricane with nothing but a metaphorical umbrella and matching pink galoshes. … read more
Mike Brown Meets CJ Miles
I know what you are thinking: Mike Brown somehow tricked a Jazz player by the name of CJ Miles to buy him dinner at the Cheesecake Factory just so he could meet Deron Williams and sit in CJ’s Escalade. So not true! First off, I did not sit in the Escalade. I did lean against it though. And this story is not about D-Will, he just happened to be eating cheesecake at the same spot as us. But D-Will did come up to our table during the interview and I said something stupid in front of him. … read more
Mike Brown: Stupid Girls
It’s no big secret that I work at a club that a lot of loyal SLUG readers frequent. I can understand why people think that I see tons of awesome shows there. Those people go there when they want to go. I go there when I have to. I still like the job, but last week there were two bands that were particularly shitty. The quality of their behavior was as terrible as their music. These two bands were The Magic Kids and Girls. … read more
Consumer Education: A Guide to Buying Hard Goods
From Issue 197, May 2005
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to drown in the shitty seas of capitalism while trying to purchase frivolous items needed to contain our boredom between eating, shitting and fucking. Basically, that’s what we are all on this planet to do, right? Eat, shit, fuck. The rest is just killing time between the next fabulous meal and all three at the same time if you’re lucky. … read more
Mike Brown’s Self-Help Column
From Issue 149, May 2001
Dear Mike Brown,
My problem is of a perverse nature. And judging by your last two articles, you are no stranger to perversity. I am a 17 year old male who likes to make love to fruit. I don’t really like to think of it as masturbation—it’s a much more intimate process for me than just firing one off in a Little America bathroom stall. … read more