mike brown
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Drugs and Sports!
I wholeheartedly believe that sports and drugs go together as seamlessly as a U-lock in a hipster’s back pocket, subtly slipping down and caressing those supple yet firm, trust-funded buttocks. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Babies!
Accidents happen in life. You can’t get mad at them or avoid them. Cars crash, people trip and fall, my favorite pair of pants gets diarrhea-ed, meth labs explode and condoms break. I guess that’s why whenever I hear one of my friends slipped one past the goalie, I have the same reaction as if I had just heard they fell off a cliff: “Oh, fuck!” … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Amateur Night
There are certain holidays that are pretty much catered to the boozing and bar industry. But there’s one designated drinking day that seems to suck the stupid out of people more than all of them: St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe it’s because I fancy a drink a tad bit more than the average American male, but I don’t need a holiday to tell me to drink. I probably got more hammered on Flag Day than I did on all of these “holidays” combined, and I don’t even know when Flag Day is. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Vandalism
Something is happening to my social circle as my life moves into its early 30s. I’m losing friends at an astronomical rate—not because I’m becoming more of a dick as I get older (I am), and not to drugs and alcohol (those two things bring friends together). No, I’m losing friends to what I like to call the two “Ms”: Marriages and Mortgages. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Puke!
To be a decent writer, I feel that it’s important to write about stuff you know about. Refer to the saying: “Never trust a skinny chef.” I am by no means an expert on writing, but if there’s one thing I do know a thing or two about, it’s vomit. Having hurled many, many times in my short life, I feel I’m a skinny chef you actually can trust while navigating the seas of puke. So, for this article all about throw-up, please allow me to be your chumpass. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: My Bucket List
Whenever there is a prediction that the world is ending, I think about my bucket list—otherwise known as “some shit I want to do before I die.” While researching for this article, I decided to put my actual list on paper and hang it up with some check marks. I realized then that my bucket list is relatively short, which could mean one of two things: I’m either extremely unambitious or extremely content. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Things I am Thankful For
Every Thanksgiving, as I begrudgingly sit through another family get-together, a little unofficial tradition unfolds. Usually, my dad starts off by saying something like, “Alright, we are going to go around the table and each say one thing we are thankful for and why.” This leads me to share with you readers some of the things in my life that I am truly thankful for: things that I can’t necessarily share at the dinner table, but that make my already awesome life more awesomer. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Halloween Costume Ideas
Oh boy, do I love Halloween. Halloween is one of those holidays when the sluts come out. A good costume can get you laid. This isn’t a column about how to get laid that night, but if you nab a piece because of some of the tips in this article, well then,
you’re welcome. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: The Original Fucktard
My band, The Fucktards, is nearing 13 years old. Like most bands that have been around over 10 years or so, we’ve changed. Dare I say, “progress”? In the case of The Fucktards, I realize that’s pushing it. These days, a Fucktards show consists of us dressing up stupid, getting beer and other random objects thrown at us and playing the same seven songs over and over again, until we are asked to stop. So, I want this article to give you lucky readers the origins and beginnings of The Fucktards. … read more
Mike Brown’s Monthly Dirt: Arts & Crafts
With the spirit of Craft Lake City bubbling about Salt Lake, I decided to make this article about my own crafting exercises. I am by no means a serious crafter, despite my rich Mormon pioneer heritage being all about it. They were also into polygamy and killing Indians and shit like that, so I don’t really care if I don’t take after my ancestors. … read more