Review: Action Bronson – JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR

Action Bronson
JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR
Concord Records
Street: 07.11
Action Bronson = M.O.P. –  Jay-Z + Big Body Bes with a rosemary garnish

Action Bronson, the albino rhino from Queens, has been rage-caging the independent hip-hop scene for the past decade. Stepping onto the scene way before sharing the 2013 XXL Freshman cover alongside ScHoolboy Q and even a pre-Astroworld Travis Scott, Bronson always brought his meticulous A-game to every multifaceted aspect of his life. There’s the hip-hop side, ciphering heavy-flowing streams of MC consciousness. Then comes the culinary mastermind side, dishing and sauteéing high-society-worthy nouvelle cuisine. For every off-road side quest, from scribing a nonlinear cookbook/life memoir to picking apart Ancient Aliens, Bronson does it all. A rapper, a chief, a writer, a shoe designer or what my dad charmingly coined him “that fat guy that blazes and eats free shit.” Where does he go now? Well, he pulls a 180 and becomes “semi” sober. Being a stout urban lumberjack, Bronson hits a healthier lifestyle, molding into an almost sideshow strongman archetype, while finally recording his eighth studio album JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR. Does it hold up to that previous flare of 2017’s Blue Chips 7000 or even the raw pandemic project Cocodrillo Turbo? Let’s find out!

JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR starts as a seductive clash of the velvety lust of ‘80s R&B/soul and the rugged, urban warfare of underground rap. Tracks like “HIDEO NOMO” extrapolate the prominent sound of the New York hip-hop scene. A quick listen with eyes wide shut projects grainy black-and-white B-roll of Big Apple lobestars like the Brooklyn Bridge or ground shots of the Empire State. The beginning track “SPLASH (PROVOCATIV)” emulates some vintage cologne jingle from a bygone era. The bump-and-grind bellows with breathy signs inserted here and there makes for a sexual listen… only to have a boner kill from a Bronson ad-lib. “Six o’clock on the dot / Teanna Trump is suckin’ some guy’s cock / While I’m in the studio doin’ five hundred push-ups watchin.”

In traditional Bronson fashion, his nearly Scrabble-like lyrics hold more merit on a timely vibe check than actual meaning. Saying the right arrangement at the right time (with the right dosage of devil’s lettuce filtering in his lungs) hits complete bangers on every track. Very few artists can truly manipulate and weaponize words in such a prolific way. Aesop Rock executes a thesaurus arsenal that makes his raps into high-metronome poems. Even multimedia artist Alex Caldiero takes the 23-letter alphabet and “flattens them into abstract symbols” in his collective baggage exhibit. The same tactics go for Bronson. “NBA LEATHER ON NBC” could hold its own as Alchemist fingerpaints jazzy, roadhouse blues with a soulful harmonica interlude and backed by a chanting live crowd. However, Bronson’s rhymes bring a time-capsule throwback. “Lookin’ like RoboCop the reboot / ‘97 X-Men t-shirt / I’ll be in that Jeep Cherokee ‘till I see dirt.” Even the Italian mobster stylings of “Dark Realm” makes me feel like I’m undressed, like I’m about to meet the Godfather or something. It’s slowly lurking and hazily lit, yet gives a relaxing coolness like sailing in Naples during spring. How does a man blend such far-end genres while keeping the same authenticity?

JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR was a fun listen every time I pressed repeat, but “fun” doesn’t mean “groundbreaking.” For a studio album, the charting of tracks feels more like his freshman mixtapes—no true narrative or concept, just a liar’s dice barrel of songs that don’t quite fit together. It’s weird to think that Bronson has been in the game for a decade and a half, expanding his craft with experience and practice, only to crank out something that relates back to his soundproof closet days. You could argue with me that this is a conceptual disc, as we follow the mischievous and scandalous affairs of the fictional Dr. Bachlava. Yet—just like Bronson when he sees reviews of his music—I don’t care. Bronson will continue to have full control over everything he produces or cooks up, all the way down to the hand painted cover art. And that’s the true meaning of being a creator! So, although JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR is far from a main course and teases at appetizers, these tracks are just hors d’oeuvres. I’m not entirely satisfied with these bite-size finger foods, but fuck, it’s delicious! –Alton Barnhart

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