Mike Brown’s Summertime Activity Guide!

Seeing how we didn’t really have a summer last year because of the impeding election and some germs being jerks, it feels like we need to make up for some lost ground this year. I thought I’d compose a short list of some summertime activities you and your dumb little buddies can do to enjoy the magnificent, hot but not-humid summers that the great Beehive State provides. Granted, I won’t be partaking in most of these activities, and feel free to change the rules and guidelines to your own liking. But yeah, here are some suggestions I have that can spice up your boring summer, unique to Utah and Salt Lake. 

“I thought I’d compose a short list of some summertime activities you and your dumb little buddies can do to enjoy the magnificent, hot but not-humid summers that the great Beehive State provides.”

The Salt Lake Liquor Store Bike Ride Challenge. Our liquor stores, or lack thereof, are unique to Utah. Inconvenient as they may be, they still must be cherished. Amid our city’s ample bike lanes and overly friendly, cautious drivers—who always treat and respect cyclists with the highest regard [Editor’s note: This could still be improved upon]—this challenge should provide a fun and safe activity the whole family can enjoy. 

The way it works is that you basically ride your bike from liquor store to liquor store, and you can hit as many liquor stores as you want. If you just want to go from Sugar House to Downtown? fine. If you want to keep point totals, that’s fine, too. If you just want to booze and cruise? Don’t, but also, I’m not the boss of you! 

Just make sure you tally up your points and fastest times in a designated drinking area and out of the way of traffic and authorities. Apparently you can still get a DUI if you are riding a bike while intoxicated. But if that were to happen, there is a bright side: Getting your bike impounded is much cheaper than getting your car impounded..

The Ultimate Freelance Yardwork Challenge: To play this one, find a yard in a random neighborhood. The more affluent and nicer the hood the better. Pick a yard, any yard, and if you can, bring your own lawnmower. The goal of this challenge is to do a super-shitty yardwork job without getting permission or getting caught. If you do get caught and you’re in a nice neighborhood, chances are that those people don’t do their own yardwork anyway. So you can just say you’re the hired help and they will go back to day-drinking their mimosas and popping Valiums or whatever else rich people do at 2 in the afternoon.

Feel free to fuck it up good. Like, mow the lawn super uneven, pick flowers instead of weeds, etc. Just make their yard look way worse than their neighbors’. Keep score however you want—it could be a timed challenge or points awarded to whomever does the worst job. Then buy that person a beer or a new bicycle.

“Feel free to fuck it up good. Like, mow the lawn super uneven, pick flowers instead of weeds, etc. Just make their yard look way worse than their neighbors’.”

 The Paintball/Rock-Climbing Regatta. Well, there’s actually no regatta involved in how I imagine this next activity. I just thought “Rock-Climbing Regatta” had a nice ring to it. But basically, what I did here is combine two activities that Utah people enjoy, guns and rock climbing, into one. 

This one is pretty self-explanatory: You shoot your friends with a paintball gun while they rock-climb. Thus making them better and faster rock-climbers. You may have to flip a coin, draw straws or perhaps use another game of chance to determine who’s on Team Rock-Climb and who’s on Team Shoot the Rock-Climbers. And yes, this activity is probably much more fun for one team than it is the other, but that’s kind of how life goes, right? [Editor’s note: Don’t actually do this.]

 Temple Square Tunnel Spelunking. Normally, a nice and popular summertime activity in Salt Lake is a stupendous visit to our one and only Temple Square. Unfortunately, the whole holy block is getting a makeover this year. Moroni needs a new coat of gold to look nice and shiny for the upcoming apocalypse. 

But if I recall correctly, the last time they did construction on that block, some of the tunnels that interline underneath the whole area were exposed. What a great chance for some urban exploring! I recommend bringing a hardhat and a lantern before spelunking these crevasses. But who knows what discoveries one might find underneath our holiest block? Maybe there’s a Liahona just chilling in a corner or some lost pages of the B of M? Just watch out for the black-suited security guards with the FBI-issued earpieces before you take home a chunk of granite as a souvenir. 

“Moroni needs a new coat of gold to look nice and shiny for the upcoming apocalypse.”

There are many other wonderful activities to enjoy this summer here in Salt Lake, even if getting a camping spot is impossible. Some other suggestions I have would be wolverine spotting (there was one spotted on Antelope Island last month), outdoor love-making, bird-watching (or birding, as the real, O.G. enthusiasts call it), street-fishing, glamping, rock-hunting, etc. Bottom line is: Get out and enjoy yourselves to make up for all the lost time last summer, and stay safe!