Mike Brown: Pandemic Anniversary!

It’s officially the one-year anniversary of the pandemic. Like with other anniversaries, why don’t we celebrate? Sure, this year has been crazy for a lot of us, but I thought I would write about some positive things that have come out of the whole shitstorm. And not like COVID positive, I mean good positive. 

When the shit hit the fan last March and everyone had to stay at home all at once, there was a Monday where every bartender (myself included) lost their jobs all in one day. It was scary at first. But whatever—now I don’t have to worry about getting any shifts covered for having “food poisoning,” which is code in the bartender world for “I’m too hungover to work,” and I get to sit around and do nothing.

I know it’s been hard on people and everything. If there ever was, like, a real zombie apocalypse, I’d be one of the first ones dead. I don’t know how to cook, I’m not a fast runner and I don’t work well with groups of other people. But this pandemic shit? Fuck, dude, I was built for this. My ideal day off when I had a job was to not be around other people, get drunk by myself, maybe do a puzzle and play a shit load of video games. So when the government said that’s what we had to do? I was like, “I’m way ahead of you, guys.”

“This pandemic shit? Fuck, dude, I was built for this.”

Now that it’s been a year, that means everyone we know has had a COVID birthday, and we get to tell that to our grandbabies if we are lucky enough to have any. There’re also a handful of COVID babies who I know got spawned during the whole lockdown, which is pretty rad. Although, I don’t really like kids. 

I don’t really like dating either, and I’ve never been too good at it. The pandemic gave me one more justifiable excuse to suck at dating. I don’t have to buy any potential-suitor shit because I’m “broke” and can’t leave the apartment. There’s nowhere to go anyway—like, what am I gonna do? Take a girl on a hike or some shit? I was  too lazy for that pre-pandemic. Valentine’s Day this year was a breeze. I dropped a deuce with my cat in the bathroom, posted it on the social media for likes and that’s all the validation I needed. 

Not seeing your family does kinda suck, though. But seeing your family (if they are anything like mine) too much sucks, too. Not having to lie my way out of going to Thanksgiving this year was refreshing. There’s never going to be another time in my life where I can be honest about ditching out on important family events. We should all be grateful for that.

“The pandemic gave me one more justifiable excuse to suck at dating.”

Other good things about the pandemic? Pet adoptions went up, and drunk driving went down. Those are both awesome things. My cat, Princes Ramona, and I developed a particularly strong bond through all this shit, and I think she finally likes me. Anyone who has ever owned a mutant-pawed tortie cat will know what I mean. Those cute, little fucks have some attitude.

Learning how to use Zoom and group chats has been pretty fun, too. I feel bad for Skype—they really dropped the ball on the whole pandemic thing, but whatever. I remember the day when I finally learned that pants are optional in Zoom meetings. That’s pretty rad and how I want to work from now on, pants optional. I hate dress codes. 

Even though I hate dress codes and being told what to do, I actually have been loving the mask thing. There’s something about wearing a mask in a bank—even though I’m not gonna rob it—that just makes me feel badass. I’m probably gonna rock a mask way after the pandemic. It’s easier to ignore people and not have to talk to anyone when you have one on. And I’m a big fan of that. 

I wish I could still skate as good as I could in my 20s right now, though. Not that I was ever that good, and I’m still rolling around but am at the sad age in a washed-up skater’s life when I just can’t huck myself anymore. I can’t imagine the amount of spots that opened up this year with businesses and government offices shutting down. I’m betting some awesome, wild shit on the shred-sticks happened for sure. Skating also feels like an appropriate socially distanced activity.

“I feel bad for Skype—they really dropped the ball on the whole pandemic thing.”

Speaking of social distancing, I like it. It helps me not get robbed because I can just tell the mugger to keep six feet away from me, and if he doesn’t, I’ll fake-cough on him because I don’t carry a gun. But yeah, it’s nice that I don’t have to hold the door open for anyone anymore, and I don’t have to hug anyone—which I already hated doing anyway.

Either way, stay positive, wear a fucking mask and stay the fuck away from me!

Love,

Mike Brown