Mike Brown: Mushrooms and the Great Outdoors!

If you live in the Beehive Imperial State of Utah, it’s no secret that one of the best things about it (aside from our ever-increasing easy access to fentanyl) is access to the great outdoors. Like, seriously—if you live in Downtown SLC, you are only an hour away from just about any outdoor activity: Bike–riding, camping, fishing, stalking and all that shit. But this article is about one of my favorite outdoor Utah activities: psychedelic mushrooms!

I know mushrooms are a staple to festival and concertgoers alike, but I prefer to trip outside around minimal people. I tend to get paranoid around strangers, even when I’m sober. Why would I enhance that? I wouldn’t. The only other public place where I do shrooms is Hogle Zoo so that I can talk to the animals. Other than that, it’s all about doing them in the beautiful serene landscapes that Utah has to offer.

By far my favorite place to eat these poop-flavored (because that’s where they grow—in poop) treats is Moab, Utah. If you are mad at Elon Musk for trying to go to Mars, eat an eighth among the red rocks and tweet at Elon to let him know that you beat him to it. It’s amazing. Just don’t fall off any cliffs.

Zion National Park and Goblin Valley State Park provide the same stimulation, but the goblins can seriously mess with you when you are balls-deep on a boomer journey. Experienced trippers only for Goblin Valley, I say.

If the heat of Southern Utah’s red rock utopia is too much for you (understandably so, especially in the summertime) might I suggest a cooler climate, such as the High Uintas Wilderness. This mountain range possesses beautiful aspens and evergreens, rolling meadows, abundant, bubbly streams and ample camping sights with minimal people. All this makes for the perfect recipe for a great mushroom trip. If you break down the entertainment value of talking to an aspen tree for an hour versus talking to an actual human, it’s not even close (in my opinion).

Although there are several reservoirs that sprinkle the Uintas, be wary of tripping and swimming. Riding in a boat on drugs is super fun, but you definitely want a sober spotter that knows how to swim in case you fall out and forget. That’s how one of the Beach Boys died (oh, the irony) and probably a couple of other rock stars that I can’t think of right now.

Some other things to be careful of while tripping outside are campfires, cliffs, cacti, poison ivy … basically anything you don’t want to trip into or off of. I don’t recommend chopping firewood, but making s’mores on this drug is pretty awesome. There’s something about mushrooms and watching things melt.

Now, if you’re experienced with mushrooms and psychedelics alike, a fun spot to get weird at is the Bonneville Salt Flats. Just don’t go in the summertime and bring a canteen. Park your car and walk around in the middle of nowhere for a while and find yourself; it’s a great place to resolve some daddy issues while getting lost in ultimate outdoor desertion.

In the wintertime, any of our ski resorts can provide an excellent atmosphere for mushrooms (just don’t fall off the lift), and the right dose of boomers can even enhance your coordination. The Snowbird spa is a great combo of outdoor/indoor relaxation and hallucination. You ever get a massage on these bad boys? I highly recommend; pun intended.

In closing, I am not not advocating for the use of illegal substances and I was not high on mushrooms when I wrote this. But now I want to go camping. The end.

Read more articles by Mike Brown:
Mike Brown: Beer Cocktails!
Mike Brown: Pat’s Pedicab