Mike Brown: Gen Z Isn’t Getting Drunk

My editors here at SLUG asked me to write an update about bar etiquette for this booze-infused issue. Well, I can sum that all up in this opening paragraph: Stop spitting your used ZYN packets in the toilets and tip more. That’s it. Remember, the hands that clean the toilets at your favorite bar are the same hands that make your drinks.

And in this economy? A dollar a drink isn’t letting me buy cat food for Princess Ramona these days. I don’t make the rules, but I make the rules. And so does inflation. But seriously, the ZYNs in the toilet are disgusting — please stop doing that.

But when it comes to alcohol and all the silly problems that come with it, like DUIs and liver failure, there’s one that’s going under the radar that I’d like to put a spotlight on and could be much more dangerous than the aforementioned snafus. The problem is Gen Z isn’t drinking. Well, at least not like previous generations.

Now, I don’t really know what generation I belong to when categorically judging people by their age. I definitely have “get off my lawn” boomer vibes, but that’s inevitable with aging. I’m not quite Gen X, but I don’t think I’m a millennial — I remember using an answering machine and I know what it’s like to get dumped by a girl IRL instead of getting ghosted after a bad Hinge date. But I really don’t know where I fit in. I was too busy getting drunk to care about such judgements, I suppose.

But yeah, Gen Z isn’t drinking, according to statistics I learned from my degree at YouTube University. Either way, I see this as a problem. Like, how will SLUG have a beer and spirits issue if their key demographic isn’t drinking? Do we have to resort to a vape issue? Like, a whole mag dedicated to the interesting and fascinating history of douchebag nicotine? That could be rad, with interviews about some of Salt Lake’s most prominent vapers.

The point is, why isn’t Gen Z drinking? Is it because of the vape phenomenon? Or is there something else going on? And how do we get them to understand the sweet sensation of a hangover from half a bottle of Southern Comfort stolen from your stepdad?

Maybe these kids are already depressed and are cool with it. Alcohol is a natural depressant, so they probably don’t need it as much as my awesome, in-denial generation does. Maybe they can’t afford the hooch, which I understand. Have you gone grocery shopping these days? Not DoorDashing, but actual grocery shopping. My grocery list now consists of things I’m gonna actually buy and things I’m gonna try to shoplift. Just getting the essentials adds up these days, so if Gen Z is saving Venmo credits by not boozing, I don’t blame them.

Or maybe the alcohol companies suck at marketing these days. Is there a way to infuse vape flavors into alcohol? I’m sure Smirnoff could figure this out. Or more TikTok ads? Gen Z loves the Tik and the Tok, right? Some sort of social media integration where you somehow get digital likes for every shot you take. I’m not exactly sure how Zuckerberg puts this together, but if there was a way to up your social media status with the amount you drink, I’m sure sales would go up. AI could take care of that.

Then again, maybe legal weed is affecting Gen Z’s lack of keggers. Wine moms are now 200mg edible moms, which I know isn’t Gen Z, but you get my point. Besides, Gen Z isn’t making babies like previous generations either, so there will be no wine moms in the future. But maybe this is a good thing. No more fetal alcohol syndrome, and kids are annoying. The end.

Read more from the enigma that is Mike Brown:
Mike Brown: The Local Leader of Local Drunks: Sunyin Marci
Mike Brown: Sunset and Butterflies