KAVA Talks – In Heels 2 Heal: Stepping Into A Collective Nonviolent Community

Strut, step, hobble or dance—however you do it, strap on your heels for “In Heels 2 Heal” on October 26 this year. Ten years running, “In Heels 2 Heal” is a celebratory event recognizing the resiliency of survivors of domestic violence. Pacific Island Knowledge 2 Action Resources (Pik2ar) gathers us together during October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, every year to walk in heels (or watch the men try). Through sitting down to talk with Simi Poteki and Susi Feltch-Malohifo’ou, the founders of Pik2ar and Knowledge Above Violence Always Talks (KAVA Talks), we learn that their mission was born out of a need to denaturalize violence in their communities.

When Poteki first started KAVA Talks, a men’s group that meets once a week to educate about the harms of domestic violence, he received a lot of push-back. He recounts that people used to say to him “‘Simi, domestic violence is our culture. We grew up with it—it has to be our culture,’ and I would say ‘No. There’s no culture with domestic violence. When you hurt someone, there is no culture in that,’” Poteki says. Feltch-Malohifo’ou similarly questioned how violence could be anyone’s culture. Then, she looked back further in history, “When the colonizers come and you think ‘white is right’—[the colonizers] were at school hitting kids, so they learned that that’s the right way and it’s okay to do that—‘I’ll just go home and hit my wife and kids to control them,’” Feltch-Malohifo’ou says, as she discusses the devastating effects that colonization had on their communities. Violence was forced upon Pacific Islanders and it became ingrained in the culture for generations, until people like Simi and Susi were able to call out the violence that they witnessed. “You can change the culture for your family. And it doesn’t make you less Tongan or less Hawai’ian or less Pacific Islander. You are responsible for the choices you make for your family,” Feltch-Malohifo’ou says. And providing resources to make these choices is exactly what they do. Serving “just over 2,400 families,” according to Feltch-Malohifo’ou, Pik2ar offers resources for education, food, housing, a chamber of commerce and so much more. 

“No. There’s no culture with domestic violence. When you hurt someone, there is no culture in that,” says Poteki. 

In America, recognizing a need to make these changes is difficult when love is often depicted as a zero-sum game. “We’ve been socialized with ‘if you love me, you’ll do this…’ right? We’re trying to change that narrative. Love equals freedom. Love does not equal control,” Feltch-Malohifo’ou says. Poteki adds, “Domestic violence only happens when there is no love. It’s like light. The room full of darkness—when the light shows up, everything shines. That’s the message that I want to share with everyone. The light has to come from within you.” When we imagine how to show our light in the darkness, we’re brought to the KAVA Talks pledge: “I pledge to stand up, speak out against violence and be part of a non-violence culture in my community.” When we take this pledge, we hold ourselves accountable. Feltch-Malohifo’ou says, “I think a lot of times, people don’t listen to love or to understand. They listen to get their answer back. What we teach in communication skills is to listen to understand people and be respectful to others like you would want them to be respectful to you.” 

The collective envisioning of Pik2ar was born from Pacific Islander culture and community; they didn’t know any other way. In America, they found that “you can’t get funding if you help abusers and you help victims. Our cultural norm is restorative justice. When we started and they told [Simi] that, he said, ‘Well then, keep your money.’ Because we love the abuser just as much as we love the victim and the survivor. They need the same thing. The same resources,” Feltch-Malohifo’ou says. Feltch-Malohifo’ou adds, “They are going to come back to their families and communities, and we want them to, but not with the same behaviors.” KAVA Talks has recently been introduced to prisons in Utah where the group can access men who have been incarcerated for domestic violence, sexual assault or similar crimes under American law. By taking accountability for their actions and having open conversations with men in their communities, they are able to learn and grow from their mistakes.

One important way that they (and we) stand with the survivors is showing up for the “In Heels 2 Heal” event on October 26 at the International Peace Gardens at Jordan Park here in Salt Lake. While they do not require everyone to wear heels, they highly encourage the men to wear heels to gain understanding. When Simi began this event 10 years ago, he thought “women walk all day on those heels. They go places on those heels and then they come home and you abuse them. So, I wanted all of the men to walk in heels to see how it feels. And believe me, most of us cannot even walk half a block,” Poteki says. Feltch-Malohifo’ou adds that “part of this is to recognize that women have skills that they might not recognize and it’s a good way for men to gather with the survivors and victims to stand together and support them.”

“Domestic violence only happens when there is no love. It’s like light. The room full of darkness—when the light shows up, everything shines. That’s the message that I want to share with everyone. The light has to come from within you,” says Poteki.

The theme this year is “Being a Better Ancestor Today.” Feltch-Malohifo’ou reminds everyone “It’s not just a Pacific Islander thing. You have ancestors too, right? Immigrants don’t corner that. Unless you’re Native American, everyone is an immigrant to this country.” The theme this year asks us to reflect on our ancestors’ ambitions as they forged a future for us—“Your ancestors brought you here for a reason. Are you acting like their greatest dream? And if not, what do you have to do today to change that?” Feltch-Malohifo’ou asks. With the theme in mind, the event unfolds into a celebration of resilience and growth. “This year, we have a lot of resource tables and everyone is going to get a passport … If you go to all of the resource tables, you get a Polynesian dessert,” Feltch-Malohifo’ou says. Whether you choose to partake in the walk or come to show support and watch men walk a mile in heels, there’s a lightheartedness that comes from the heart of Pik2ar. “We have really fun awards afterwards. We have the ‘Tower Award’ for whoever wore the tallest shoes. We have the ‘Hotstepper Award’ for whoever won first. We have the ‘KAVA Talks Award’ and ‘Aloha Award.’ The funny one is the ‘Stride Award’ and that one goes to whoever fell down the most,” Feltch-Malohifo’ou says with a laugh. 

Step out with Pik2ar at “In Heels 2 Heal” and learn more about all of the incredible programs and resources they offer to our community. The joy and the resilience exudes from the heart of the organization as they welcome everyone with open arms. To learn more about Pik2ar’s programs in addition to KAVA Talks and “In Heels 2 Heal,” visit their website pik2ar.org/kava-talks. 

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