Aunt Leona is an obvious top candidate for an interview, so we ambushed her when she came by our place to talk to mom about whether or not bangs would suit the shape of her face. The interview took place in our kitchen with mom lingering nearby, chuckling, strategically clearing her throat, and rolling her eyes throughout.

These are selected excerpts from that interview.

Illustration: Craig Secrist

Boo: So, Leona, you are the fourth of the five celebrated Dripdry sisters (loud gasp and chuckle from mom, though not even the slightest self-deprecating flinch from the widely smiling Leona). Your father died when you were very young, leaving your mother to raise you and your four sisters single handedly. What was it like growing up in that situation?

Leona: (Still smiling widely like a toothpaste commercial) Oh, mama had two hands alright. She was an ambidextrous, multi-speed spanking machine when she needed to be. Nothing, ya know, single handed about her. Just weeks before your mom, my little sis, was born, dad died in that freaky accident involving a mattress ‘do not remove’ tag––eew! I don’t even wanna think about it! Anyway, we all grew up in a house full of females––only females. Hair was pulled and, ya know, in some cases set alight. Overall, though, we loved each other very much. It was a very happy home life.

B: After high school, you moved to Los Angeles where you had a successful modeling career. Tell us about that.

L: Oh yeah, well, you know the story, but to be all formal for the interview and all… I was discovered on the set of the film Footloose when it was shooting down in Utah Valley. Larry was just about to launch the Tele-Chic network, which became a major trailblazer in the TV shop-from-your-sofa industry. He was just, ya know, hanging around on the set and says that when he saw me it was totally love at first sight. He convinced me to move to L.A. and he hired me as lead model stage left. I became quite a star. I was practically inner circle for major celebrity cliques. I was considered 3rd tier Brat Pack and everything.

B: Wasn’t Larry that guy you were dating? The one with the creepy…

L: Yeah, that’s him. He liked to have me put on saucy shoes and sit in his expensive cars revving the engines in the driveway while I called him all sorts of horrible names. Some people! Whatever blows their hair back. He was a real gentleman though, and totally romantic.

B: What about the WHAM incident?

L: Oh, no, you’re thinking about Jimmi the goth guy. He was a weird one for sure. He was once thumbing through my record collection and came upon the single of Wham’s “Carless Whisper”. Wham were the Anti-Goth, to him anyway. He thought I should be punished for such a transgression, so he handcuffed me to a chair, put that song on the record player––ON INFINITE REPEAT!––and left for over two hours! Oh gosh I can‘t hear that song without screaming now. Imagine after hearing that song over and over and over, then hearing the mechanical arm of the record player raise up, swing back to the start, lower onto the record, the crackle crackle of vinyl, and then those horrible opening strains starting again. PURE TORTURE! Those guys were good relationships though because they never pressured me for the actual S-E-X. I could never do THAT.

B: You mean you’re a virgin?!

L: Yes, of course. I saw mama’s medical textbooks. That’s a pool I will never paddle in.
(Here ensued a good half hour of baffled discussion with even mom gob smacked by the revelations her sister Leona presented to us about a total lack of a S-E-X life. Eventually we got back to the intended interview).

B: Ok, ok… So you ditched the modeling job and L.A. and moved back here to SLC. What brought you back?

L: Ya know, as bonkers as you think Salt Lake is, L.A. is crrrrrraaaazzzee. And not really in a good way. I just needed something real so I packed my things and came home.  I’m soooo glad about it too. I get to spend time with you guys and the rest of the fam. I was introduced to Alfredo (her spirit guide which appears to her as a messy plate of spaghetti), and even though he has an unnatural need to go shopping, he does provide invaluable guidance. I’m easily able to tune in to the energies of the mountains and deserts that surround us. Life is now, ya know, more fulfilling then ever.

B: So much for getting something real.