Dear Dickheads – October 2004

Dear Dickheads,

I have spent the last four years listening to ‘sheep’ who have had their political information chewed up and given to them by Sean Hannity, Dr. Laura, Bill O’Reilly, et al. These retarded rednecks then regurgitate the bits of ‘fact’ they have received and see themselves as able political ‘debaters’. I am goddamn sick and tired of hearing right wing political opinions, but if I raise my voice to dissent, then I become the office pariah and have to sit alone at lunch time. These people let me know about President Clinton’s transgressions, Rocky Anderson’s single-handedly stopping the Legacy Highway, Hilary Clinton being a ball breaking lesbian, the war in Iraq is just, Mayor Workman is a victim of politics. What a bunch of horse shit. I wish they would just shut their stupid mouths and let me work in peace. Yeah, I know Utah is a conservative place, but Christ, can’t anyone here think for themselves? Doesn’t anyone hear the news (not FOX News, of course) and think, “Hmm, something may be wrong here..” Not at my work. I’ve come up with a solution. The next time I hear about what a socialist Michael Moore is, I’m going to rear back and punch the motherfucker that says it right in their ass face. From what I’m gathering, conservatives love aggression, and I’m just the huckleberry to deal it out. I may go to jail, but I’ll feel like a million bucks. Just thought I’d share.
Sincerely,
Sharon Carpineta

Sharon, 
I think you need to lay off the caffeine and get out of the fluorescent lights for a while. You’re headed for a stroke, or worse, and I wouldn’t want someone with your moxie to end up dead. I agree about the office politicking. Here’s my advice, rather than punching people, just exclaim, “Jesus DIED for YOU!” whenever they start their conversations. Not only will you be the office pariah, but you’ll also be the office nut case. You’ll never be bothered again.
SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
Barbie…What a slut. Who designed this plastic whore-doll that we are all supposed to aspire to? It wasn’t me! Is this really a good idea??? Anyone with a CHILD (male or female) may want to think twice before letting them play with this tiny effigy of a porn star/drag queen/stripper…take your pick. The same people that tart their daughters up for child pagents buy them Barbie dolls and then act surprised when their daughters and sons are found in a heap on the living room floor… dead of a drug overdose. What else? They are trying to live up to impossible expectations. It’s a slutty doll. In the real world Barbie is doomed to one occupation and one occupation only… Adult Entertainment…People don’t hire scientists that look like Barbie…it’s not a good look for a brainy job or even a non-brainy job. A cab driver that looked like Barbie would live for 5 minutes before she was discovered raped and strangled at the city dump…her cab stolen along with any money she had managed to make. I’m not sure what the answer is now…it may be too late. Barbie lives and breathes among us in the form of broken lives that rested on one dream…. marry a man with money. Barbie…what a whore.
Sincerely,
Jerry Walters

Jerry, 
You’re a fucked-up pervert. Quit looking at your sister’s dolls and get out of the house. Jesus, is this all you have to think about? I’d suggest you log off of the RockSalt.com and head outside for some air. Why not a nice hike? Why not some psychotherapy? Why don’t you never write again? Super.

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
I’ve been looking at having a good time here in Salt Lake lately, and I just can’t find nothing to do. Instead of spending countless hours on The Rocksalt, my roomates and I have made a plan. We want to tackle every genre available in this little gem of a city. We did our research on the different cultures and styles and we want to try to fit in without being noticed. We heard about a show going down at the Urban Lounge. So we scurried down to Hot Topic and picked out some cool hipster clothes. We got a couple black wigs that had long bangs and blonde highlights so we could pose out with the best of them. When we arrived, we were amazed on how fast we made friends! We were drinking it up and laughing with the best of them. It was great! We were hipsters for a day and it was a blast!

Just last weekend we dressed up like goths and went to hang out at Area 51. We even practiced the glum facial expressions and developed an eye to spot a dark corner we could go hide in. It was alright. Not as fun as kickin’ it with the emo kids. The goths don’t seem to care which made it way easy to blend in with their kind.

Our next venture is a hard one. We are planning on dressing up as cowboys and trying to see if we can hang with the blue collar, shit kickin motherfuckers. But I’m told these guys don’t fuck around. I have my wranglers, my lasso, and a piece of wheat to chew on so I can look authentic when I ask the barkeep for a whiskey. Do you think we should do this excursion? Maybe I should go buy some chewin’ tobbaco first…
-SanDigga

Sandy,
Good luck with the rednecks. They’ll see right through your outfit and sodomize you right there in the Westerner parking lot. I’ve had a lot of experience with these people and if you can’t, from memory, detail every ATV made by Polaris for the last 10 years you’re sure to be proper fucked. I’d suggest losing the costume and hanging out at the gay bars, where you belong.

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
Hey XXXStraightedgeXXX toughboys of SLC, you’re a bunch of fucking pussies. This is Luike from the band The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower. Remember last winter when you fucking faggots fronted your shit up against us and the Locust and got your fucking asses kicked? Or remember how you said that the next time we came to play you were going to bring even more of your boyfriends along and kick our asses then? Well where the fuck were you when we came to play at the Lo-Fi last month? Bitches. We even played a song we wrote for you called “SLC Hunk.” Get it? You and all your burly muscle-flexing dances in the mosh pit inspired it. I want to lick all of your assholes instead of fighting so next time we’re in your pansy Mormon town look us up and we’ll suck all of your dicks.
–Luike

Luike,
I’m sensing a lot of homosexual/straight edge tension lately. Maybe if these two scenes could meet on a “baby oil, tarp, naked wrestling on the floor” sort of level, we wouldn’t have these scene problems. I suggest a gay rodeo rendezvous. Ass kicking and ass licking can go hand in hand. Cowboy up!

SLUG