Dear Dickheads – December 2004

Dear Dickheads,

I have just one question, what in the Hell is “revival rock?”It sounds like something Rolling Stone or MTV might have come up with. Here’s what Random House has to say about the word “revival”: re.viv.al , n. 1. the act of reviving. 2. the state of being revived. 3. restoration to life, consciousness, vigor, strength, etc. So if that’s the case, where does rock need reviving from? (Other than mainstream media attention, which I for one feel it’s better off without.) I mean, if I had a time machine, I could go back to every year from 1954 onwards and find loads of kickass rock’n’roll bands. So Kevlar, please I’m dieing to know.

Sincerely,

A dedicated fan.

A dedicated fan of what? Grade school library class? Way to cite your fucking sources. This is the first research paper I’ve gotten in awhile. Why is a machine that washes clothes a washing machine and a machine that washes dishes a dishwasher? As soon as you figure that one out maybe you’ll realize how big of an idiot you are for building a time machine when there are tons of bands of a ‘certain genre’ that play old-style rock today. Suck it.

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,

Ghandi once said that you can judge a society on the way it treats it’s animals. I believe you can judge a society on the way it treats it’s local restaurant server. Considering your local server only earns $2.13 per hour (in the great state of Utah), you’d think that the clientelle would help out on the tipping end, but not in Salt Lake. 10% is the average tip around here and i’m not sure if it’s directly related to tithing or not. Lord knows you couldn’t tip your server more than your heavenly father, that would be utter blasphemy. What boggles my mind about bad tipping i.e. ($8 on $116 of food, beverage, and service for six people, which is roughly 6-7% tip) is that it shows a total and utter lack of compassion for other human beings. Note that i recieved the above tip on Father’s Day. So here i am, struggling like many other people my age, to earn enough money to further my career in college and get a degree but my fellow human beings refuse to help me out even on a noted holiday. The problem with tipping is that it’s not controlled and it’s not set in stone. You can leave as little or as much as you want. Well in my time of serving i’ve come to realize that most people faced with the moral choice of leaving a good tip or leaving you angry and confused as to what you did wrong, will happily do the latter. I suppose my real confusion isn’t as to what i did wrong, it’s simply this: when did humans stop the easy act of giving?

–Daryl McLaren

Did Gandhi ever say that you can judge a society by its biggest fucking crybaby? Yes, Daryl, you’re the only person in America that doesn’t get paid what you think you deserve. Hold on while I call the authorities to sort this one out. Good luck in college and “furthering your career” when you’re not even smart enough to quit your stupid shitty job and find another one. Welcome to the world, asshole.

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,

I THINK AFI IS THE BEST BAND OUT THERE. BUT THIER STYLE IS TURINING INTO SOMETHING IT SHOULDN’T. “THE ART OF DROWNING” AFI AND BEFORE IS WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR. BUT THE NEW CD “SING THE SORROW” IS MAKING THE BAND SOUND AND SEEM TO BE SOLD OUT. IT SEEMS LIKE AFI TURNING TO MTV, NOW THERE DOING IT FOR THE MONEY, POPULARITY, AND AIR TIME FOR THERE MUSIC VIDEOS. IM NOT DISSING THE BAND BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAVORITE BAND. BUT I JUST WISH THEY WOULD STAY UNDERGROUND. AND I PERSONALY ASK THAT IF SLUG GETS A CHANCE TO TALK TO THE BAND AGAIN, TO ASK THEM WHY THEY ARE GOING THE MAIN STREEM DIRECTION AND NOT STAYING UNDERGROUND.

THANKS,

KYLE LEWIS,

MIDLAND, MICHIGAN

What?!?! You are crazy, man. AFI is AWESOME (in a lonely, desperate, heartfelt sort of way). Actually, I think A.F.I. is an acronym for “Afi’s Fucking Incredible” (incredibly filled with passion and emotion that tugs the chords of my hopeless black heart). Maybe if you paid the fifty bucks to become part of the Despair Faction you’d stop talking so much shit and appreciate the great band that they are and questioning their decisions (and as a bonus you get to be one of the kids chanting at the beginning of their next record). You’re the fucking sellout, jerk.

SLUG