Dear Dickheads – August 2004

Dear Dickhead,
Whose idea was it to insult EVERY letter sent in? It’s makes you look very childish and unprofessional.
–Kitty

Kitty,
You’re absolutely right. It’s not good for us, or our business, if people feel insulted or degraded in any way while dealing with us. We’re all about professionalism here at SLUG Mag, so this month’s Dickheads column will be answered positively. You go ahead and let us know how we’re doing, OK? Thanks for letting us know that we look childish and unprofessional, we appreciate it (and your business!)

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
You know where I am? You want to take a guess? I’m at the County Courthouse for jury-duty selection. You know why? Because of the voter registration forms you’ve put in your magazines, and because my stupid ex-girlfriend talking me into registering to vote. I’m here because of SLUG Magazine and every other assface in that Rock the Vote campaign. I bet you’re not even registered to vote, Dickheads. I bet you’ve never voted in your life. But that didn’t stop you from blowing your goddamn horn about the sanctity about the American voting process. Christ, all I heard from my ex was “you should vote” this and “you sould register” that for weeks and weeks, so I gave in. She implied that there would be a little something ‘extra’ in it for me if I did register to vote. You know what the something ‘extra’ was? Jury duty, apparently, because I sure as hell didn’t get laid. You know what the irony of this situation is? I don’t think I’m even going to vote now. After I registered my girlfriend dumped me, you know why? Because she was pissed that I was pissed that she wouldn’t put out. So, not only did I not get laid, but two weeks after registering to vote, I got a notice in the mail for Jury Duty. Was my ex-girlfriend called for jury duty? Was she handed a shit sandwich and told to sit down and make the best of it? No. You know why? Because her dad just happens to work at the County Courthouse, and you know what his job is? He’s in charge of possible jury duty candidates! Imagine that! So, I’m going to do everything I can to not get picked for this trial, but in the mean time, I just want you to know that this is all your fault. Dickheads, I’d love to kick your ass the next time I see you out and about.
Sincerely,
Craig Parker

Holy cow, Craig Parker, we’re sorry that promoting this year’s election would have such a negative impact on your life! Try to stay focused on the details and try the person fairly. Everyone knows that the American justice system is absolutely wonderful, and we hope that rather than see this as a negative thing, you will embrace your opportunity and do something completely super great with it. Go Craig Go!

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
Say I was getting together with a group of musicians. From a purely mathematical standpoint, which of the following would be the best name for our band?
1) Pascal’s Wager
2) The Differentials
3) Dot Matrix and the Partial Derivatives
4) Polly Nomial and the Secants
5) The Logarithmics
6) N Fucktorial
7) Zero Sum Society
8) the Finite Infinitesimals
9) Median Cool
or 10) The Dodecaheathens
Your Pal,
Jeremy Cardenas

Jeremy,
My vote would be “The Dodecaheathens” because a multisided bond of heathens coming towards me would certainly be frightening! Good luck!

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,

I just went and bought a copy of the Death By Salt that you’ve recently released. People kept talking about it, so I thought I would buy it. Big mistake. Why in the holy fucking hell did you put half the bands on this compilation? I guess you could argue that it is the biggest compilation ever to come out of Utah and blah, blah, blah. But the fact of the matter is that most of it sucks donkey dick! Maybe you guys were just hurting for material and in that case I can understand. But let’s face it—there aren’t many good bands in Utah anymore, which is really sad. I haven’t been to a good metal show in a long fucking time. Where did all the bands go who played loud, fast and hard? Why are bands in Utah all flocking to the Emo/Urban lounge hipster scene? “We’re cool, dude! Listen to Starmy, man!” Fuck that shit. I have my old IN EFFECT records, and I’m sticking to them! I admit, there are a couple on the Death By Salt that totally kick ass. But the rest of them suck. I’m sure I stand alone on this, but that’s just my opinion. Maybe I should take my arrogant ass and move somewhere else. SSSSSSSUCK IT!!
–Jimmy Jones

Jimmy,
Thanks for buying Death By Salt! We appreciate your comments and suggestions. We believe that there are a ton of super great and wonderful bands in Salt Lake City, and we took the opportunity to promote as many of them as we could possibly handle. It’s too bad that you don’t love EVERY track on the CD, but our guess is that you have particular tastes in music. Our suggestion would be to fast-forward through the tracks that you don’t enjoy, and listen ONLY to the ones you do. Thanks again!

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
I just wanted to thank you for the free paper, this summer it has come in really handy when I have needed to kill flies. Oddly enough, it seems that the flies are attracted to it.
sincerely,
–Elder T. Lamar Roberts

Elder T. Lamar Roberts,
Wow, this is a puzzle. I wonder if it’s the honey-laced ink that we use in the production process that’s attracting the flies. We’ll certainly look into this!

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
I just thought I would tell you how much you’re column means to me. It’s nice to see that all the stereotypes that I hear about Salt Lake and it’s sea of arrogant hipsters and braindead straight-edge idiots when I’m outside of Utah are not true. Oh, and by the way, thanks for continuously putting local bands on the cover. There would be nothign worse than if you called yourselves “Salt Lake Underground” but didn’t actually do anything for local music. Keep up the good work, you stupid, jaded, mormon cunts.
Sincerely,
Dimitri

Dimitri,
Utah has a plethora of exciting and interesting people! We absolutely love it when we hear positive feedback like yours! You keep on reading and we’ll keep on writing!

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,
How sad it is that to promote Death By Salt you have to advertize with opinionated criticism. Why don’t you give people a good reason to want to actually buy the cd, rather than rant on how much The Used sucks? So they made it, what’s to put down about that? There are so many amazing bands around here with potential that are just too lazy and don’t give a fuck and that’s why they play the same few lame ass bars year after year. Maybe that’s what they want. Then there are those who work hard and get to see what progression serves. Form of Rocket, New Transit Direction and other bands that have worked ahrd to do what they love, and have something to show for their dedication. I’m not even a Used fan at all, but I was very irritated about the statement cause they are still one of our local bands and they deserve more respect than that. Ya twats!
Love,
Dumas

Dumas,
You’re completely right. The Used are an interesting and vital part of the local SLC scene today, so why not embrace them? We love ALL of our local, regional, and national bands and try our hardest to give you the scoop when it comes to what they are doing. However, we’d like to tentatively point out, without insulting your intelligence in any way, of course, that the Death By Salt ad can be interpreted two ways: both painting The Used in a negative and positive light! So we encourage you to read it again! We’re sorry that the use of negative advertising made you upset. Please don’t let it affect our relationship! We certainly don’t aim to disrespect or upset ANYONE, EVER! SLUG Mag’s greatest priority is to make YOU HAPPY! SO BE HAPPY YOU HAPPY FUCKER, FUCK! Sorry, all this positive feedback is FUCKING KILLING ME! Thanks again for all the letters—wow, what a response to last month’s issue!!! Write again, valued readers!

SLUG