Dear Dickheads – April 2005

Dear Dickheads,

My name is Scott and I work security at Area 51. I just moved to SLC and my first night of working was on your guys’s 16th Anniversery Party. I have to say your mag is kinda cool from what I have seen but you guys are a bunch of fucking freaks. I’m sure you know because I’m sure you whiny fucks are bitching about it a lot but I had to kick seven goddamned people out of the bar that night that all work for Slug Magazine for being drunk and belligerent, doing drugs, stealing from the DJ booth and for basically being jerkshit assholes. How the fuck do you bunch of turds manage to do anything productive at all like even get out of bed in the morning much less put out a magazine each month? I hope you pieces of shits never do anything at this bar again. I have never been so fucking pissed in my life. Fuck you you little pot-smoking in bathroom fuckers, you drunk shit smartass longhair ponytailed fuckers, you shit-talking coat stealing ugly ass dress mustache wearing fuckers, and fuck you you ugly ass bitch with thick glasses that tried to kick me in the balls. I don’t know your name but you are the ugliest bitch I have ever seen and if I even see you again outside of a club I will fucking bitchslap your bitchass.

Eat shit,

Scott Ries

Hi Scott! I’m glad to hear you could make it to the party and I’m glad to hear it sounds like you had a good time! That breath of fresh air was nice when your ape-necked ass threw me out the front door (yeah I remember you), and the stroll around the building to the side door where your co-worker Eddie snuck me back in was lovely as well. I hope some of that shit in the DJ booth belonged to you. The really funny thing is that we threw a killer party where everyone had a good time (especially the SLUG-staffers that your club fed free drinks to all night long), we stormed all over your little security precautions, you probably don’t even have half an idea about what really went on in the bathrooms and we made fucking BANK off the whole thing. I think I’m going to personally request that all SLUG parties be thrown at Area 51 from now on, it was such a good time. See you soon! 🙂