Cursed by Spirits: Utah’s Batshit Crazy Cocktails

From the first drizzle of prehistoric floor berries to hazardous brewing in Prohibition-era bathtubs, alcohol is continuously on a bizarre adventure. But by reinventing the core model through wider access to materials, nothing toes the line between alchemy and mischief like a cursed cocktail. Okinawa, Japan numbs your lips with the awamori drink of peppermint and liquified hornets. Yukon, Canada goes macabre with a severed toe shooter (bucket list idea!). But can Utah push the envelope in high-proofs? Let me be your fellow booze traveler and find out! Still thirsty?

Cerebral Assassin
Aces High Saloon

Pried from the cold, dead hands of the gone but not forgotten Burt’s Tiki Lounge, this vile recipe has had the welcome mat rolled out at its new residency, Aces High Saloon. Some may think the sands of tropical exotica would only become muddied and brutally ravaged in a biker bar setting, but boy, does this little elixir make itself at home. Take a shot of bottom-shelf Old Crow, throw in a spoonful of Jagermeister and let it fizz with an off-brand energy drink — that’s a heel kick to the goddamn diaphragm! It’s diabolical to have such a stick-to-your-ribs hooch without ice, because the guttural flow goes down like Formula 44. However, a few sips changes all dread into a palatable, liquorice-flavored Four Loko. Or, you could just down it right before whatever heavy metal militia you came out to see. Pairs with: reruns of Viva La Bam, Skid Row and ‘80s body horror flicks.

Mind Eraser
Cheers to You

When it comes to your first night of downtown bar-hopping in your roaring 20s, everyone has their starters. Quarters Arcade Bar, X Wife’s Place and Beer Bar are worthy contenders, but for me, Cheers to You really got the party started. This alleyway sliver in the Grid City extends a golden mile to a night you’ll (hardly) remember. Case in point? The Mind Eraser! It’s Barton’s Vodka, flavored liqueur and soda. My accompanying photographer, Derek Brad, clued me in on a similar drink he once had, except it had a Kahlua base and he straw-sucked it down immediately. Cheers flips the signature drink by providing different flavors, including a peanut butter and jelly variant. Although it was more watery than I remembered, it’s a pleasurable brainwash that shoots me back to my college years. Pairs with: pool sharking some shit-kicking cowboys, pissing in the Gallivan Center ice skating rink and Pie Hole side quests at 2:00 a.m.

Death Star
El Chihuahua

A zestier selection, El Chihuahua Restaurant has been dishing out Mexican cuisine since 1977. Manuel and Dolores Quinonez expanded their little taste of Mexican flair into a local phenomenon. Unfortunately, El Chihuahua is not infamous for its skillet-sizzled chicken fajitas or complimentary chip basket — it’s known for the dark-sided temptation of the Death Star! Served in a literal fishbowl like a prop from a Carrot Top performance, the Death Star cranks out three high-octane liquors (Rothschild Vodka, Monarch 151 and — gag reflex — Everclear). The worst part? This was their size small! True sadists will sell their souls to the Duckie — all that changes is the addition of a fourth liquor and a rubber duck to take home. In its cloudy Windex, piña colada wonderment, ordering one without a dish is out of the question. Above all, it’s one fucking ridiculous drink. Pairs with: Puerto Vallarta and DUIs after dinner.

Alta Bomb
Goldminer’s Daughter Lodge

Skiers rejoice! High within Little Cottonwood Canyon at Alta Ski Resort, the quaint and cozy Goldminer’s Daughter Lodge has a simple yet potent beverage to heat up any mountain run. The recipe is basic: a full Solo cup of Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap and a shot of espresso. According to their Marketing Director Annie Simpson, every patron enjoys it differently, whether taking them separately or sipping each one at a time. However, like diesel fuel and gelatin to make napalm, the only way to feel its true effect is to bond it together! The bubbling concoction overflowing with a roasted aroma of both coffee and ale smells delightful. The taste, however, is mild in terms of a melted Starbucks drink. Maybe if I was up there for another hour to let altitude sickness get to my brain, I would then feel the buzz. Pairs with: no returned calls after a coffee shop date…

Roulette
Bar X

Are you feeling lucky, starshine? This 100-year-old bar overcame one beastly attitude adjustment once movie star Ty Burrell took charge (I don’t care if he’s Phil from Modern Family — you’ll always be Dawn of The Dead’s jerk-off Steve to me). Bar X drapes its mystique in velvet curtains, smoker lounge lighting and turn-of-the-century cocktail recipes. However, after taking in feedback from my quirky bartender Julia, I was going to let fate decide my drunken destiny with a Roulette. When ordering, the allure of this mystery snifter is based on personality. If it’s a bachelorette party with the girlies, you’ll get something fruitier or candy-coated. If you’re fresh from a Utah Hockey Club game, throw back an icey, gin-based compound. For me, drifting in on a Wednesday like a walking corpse, mine was a crossbreed of a Manhattan and an Old-Fashioned. Bitter, smoky and slightly dusty, smoker-cough style. Pairs with: Zoltar Fortune Teller machines and “The Hermit” tarot card. 

Lavender Dreams
Gracie’s 

Gracie’s has slowed its roll in the last five years. I remember this two-story watering hole being wall-to-wall with bending-tree bodies, all pushing and shoving for a dressed tequila shot. Nowadays, it’s become the first date bar — quiet, reserved with a food menu that won’t stench the breath. And that’s more apparent with their updated cocktail choices. Lavender Dreams becomes a literal sleeper with its Basil Hayden toast bourbon, Waterpocket Distillery Toadstool Hartnet Amora and Earl Grey simple syrup. This frothy head sparkles with pixie dust and smoothing the rough edges of life. The drink wants to be a London Fog so damn bad, but that Kentucky bourbon refuses to be anything less (in the most quaffable of ways). Just a couple of sips and this nap cap will be shipping you off to Sleepy-Time Junction. All aboard! Pairs with: daydreaming, rainy nights and the slowed, lo-fi version of Rihanna’s “Desperado.”

Belle’s Rose
Lake Effect 

The speakeasy aura of Lake Effect towers like the ruins of a Catholic monastery. Its exposed brass piping and gothic architecture shows a repurposing of the past, something that can be continued to be built upon to respect tradition and embrace future process. Their menu is loaded up with 20-30 cocktails (good Jesus!) — it’s a ritzy history book in the making! Now, most of these rot gut beverages could scare off your average drink with its extensive ingredients, like scorpion pepper agave in their I Shot The Sheriff. Yet what caught my eye was the vanilla yogurt and sake in the Belle’s Rose. Served in its shaker, frazzled up with a Matterhorn amount of whipped cream and topped with a rose petal, this is the definition of “dessert drunk.” Although I’m more inclined to receive a sugar rush than a blitz, it’s a typical sour bitch drink. Pairs with: 1950s soda parlors, LemonHeads and Daiquiri Ice from Baskin-Robbins. 

ALLSORTS
Mi Haus 

Conjured through the quarantined frustration of quarter shot bottles cluttering my home liquor cabinet and a failed whiskey infusion kit, this monstrosity was born. ALLSORTS is a true wild card of mixology, ditching all sense of measurement and garnishing with its pint-size glass and masking tape label. Do you remember making “potions” as a kid? Foraging weeds and whatever condiment in your fridge to mix in a spare jar to see what happens? Apply that concept in a more comedically desperate approach. What exactly does ALLSORTS intel? Everything with an alcohol percentage! George Dickel white corn whisky, Granier Mon Pastis, Underberg, peach-flavored BuzzBallZ — nothing is off the table here! I normally break out the bottle as a last resort, or to place jackass bets on who can down a shot without vomiting. But for now, it resides safely in a damp corner of my attic, next to the Christmas decorations and an unfinished night stand from woodshop class. Pairs with: [REDACTED].

Read more about local beer and spirits:
Slinging Booch at HK Brewing Collective
Lessons in Mixology and Alcohol History: Alexi Fisher’s Cocktail Collective