Ten More Secondhand Screenings for the Spooky Season

The crisp exhales of bone-chilling excellence. The caressing shade of emerald green to amberish saffron. A season to break out the wool-lined and jean jackets, but not cold enough for the parkas—don’t we love the change of October? With such a polar shift in tone and essence compared to the bubbly refreshment of summertime, what truly defines this time is hunkering down under covers and exploring all Halloween media. Slasher flicks, ghoulish feel-goods and hand-drawn cartoons from years before—all fit within the All Hallows realm. So I’m back, with a pillowcase of toothaches and some physical flicks buried. Some spooky, some childish, some… autumn-adjacent? Either way, enjoy the viewing, but be sure to check these sweets for razor blades…

Alive and Well
Daily Dose X Chuuch
Released: Sometime after 2015 

When I dug this DVD from the Savers donation bin, there were nearly 12 others like it—black case, pill bottle design, completely sealed in their plastic wrap. Yet, what is it exactly? Disposed snuff films? A black letter manifesto hidden in a crawl space? Nope, just a local snowboard video, brought to you by the Park City Pizza Company. I have nothing to work with on this one, except for the 23 cursive names of amateur snowboarders and a few Utah landmarks like Marko Foam Products rail in Glendale. (They still have Quiznos subs out there!) Even though snowboarding is not my jam, which is blasphemous for a Utah native, watching a couple of bros dick around and tear up local spots reminds me of making home movies with my high school friends. The true meaning of “lost media.”

American Graffiti
Director: George Lucas
Universal Studios
Released: 08.01.73

Turn back the clocks to the summer of ‘62, when four high school boys embark on a crawl of late night escapades before starting college in the fall. Some will find love behind the wheel of ‘54 pearl T-Bird, others will have a date with destiny drag racing against a pre-Indy Harrison Ford. Whatever might happen on graduation night of the cultural decade, no one comes home the same. Where most coming-of-age movies plot a bittersweet farewell, American Graffiti’s nostalgic take on America’s last age of innocence is worth its weight in gold. You’re rocking with the Wolfman, baby!!!

Mountain of The Cannibal God
Director: Sergio Martino
Dania Film, Medusa Distribuzione
Released: 04.78

When anthropologist Susan Stevenson (Ursula Andress, Dr. No) travels to the barren jungles of New Guinea to find her husband, she comes to find out the tangled greenery is an exotic deathtrap of ritualistic cannibals and deadly wildlife. Now, an Italian movie from the ‘70s could typically be praised for “daring tactics” and “arthouse-esque filmmaking.” Unfortunately, this is not that type of video nasty. Sexual exploitation that feels like straight porn, animal cruelty that would make Sarah McLachlan riot and distribution changing the title four separate times—it’s almost like history itself wants to bury it in the sand in the hopes that no man will ever find it…

Over The Garden Wall
Directors: Nate Cash, Bert Youn
Cartoon Network Studios
Released: 11.07.14

Socially-awkward Wirt (Elijah Wood, Lord of The Rings) and his little brother Greg (Collin Dean, The Loud House) have wandered off into a peculiar forest one Halloween night. As they stroll deeper onwards, the two will come face-to-face with fantastical events including a kindred spirit poised to reap their souls. This cottagecore fairy tale could be your gothic femboy homie’s comfort choice for a secret get-together. However, Over The Garden Wall is the best pick when pregaming the autumn aura. It’s sweet, humble and simple storytelling for any age to enjoy. It’s the type of kid adventure series that feels inspired by such movies like Coraline or Alice in Wonderland. The most incredible part is that I was able to find the whole series burned onto a videocassette!

Rad
Director: Hal Needham
Columbia Pictures, TriStar Pictures
Released: 03.21.86

Okay, I lied about this review being entirely Halloween-themed, but this relic from the past is a gearhead’s Holy Grail, no matter how saturated of a bootleg it is. High-flier Cru Jones (Bill Allen, Sioux City) catches a big break in a hometown BMX race called Helltrack. With help from bike rider Christian (Lori Loughlin, Full House), Jones will rise to the rankings to dethrone the punkass champion Bart (Bart Conner, Stick It). The beats reflect a kind of Karate Kid narrative, with some major corn crops—and I’m not talking about popcorn—but its primary claim to fame has to come in the form of vintage peg-and-spoke BMX bicycles. Think 2003’s Grind, where the shitty story is only held up by its pro skateboarder cast including Bam Margera. 

The Bare Witch Project
Director: Jimmy Chunga
Jimmy Chunga Productions
Released: 10.99

If you kept an open ear to the radio waves in the late ‘90s, you’ll probably remember an early bird morning show with Jimmy Chunga and “Mister” West called 107.5 The End. Their hilarious conversations and upbeat attitude could liven anyone’s a.m. like java. So, as a tongue-in-cheek parody of found footage pioneer The Blair Witch Project, Chunga scours to a cornfield to investigate the disappearance of Alesha Smitzer. The runtime is short, about 20 minutes tops, but this limited release is both a goofy nod to The End’s wholehearted charisma and a byproduct of the grunge era. Thanks for making my childhood, Chunga!

V/H/S
Directors: Ti West, Joe Swanberg, David Bruckner, Adam Wingard, Glenn McQuaid
Bloody Disgusting
Released: 10.05.12

A group of 20-something jackasses are tasked with finding a videotape that holds some type of grand importance. Yet when the crew gets to their middle-of-nowhere location to find thousands of unlabeled videos, an anthology of horrific Omnimotion terror is unveiled with a push of the “play” button. V/H/S is the new modern-day classic, with each story rewinding a tale creepier than the last. It’s these low-budget films that flex their creators’ muscles, like Ti West, who would later excel in his filmmaking career with the slasher trilogy of X. I just know I’m going to end up like this one day. Dipping into nameless tapes, picking one to watch and BOOM! I’m getting my Adam’s apple ripped out by a winged, split-faced succubus! 

Videodrome
Director: David Cronenberg
Universal Pictures
Released: 02.04.83

It wouldn’t be a midnight jamboree without the body horror maestro, Cronenberg! President of a Canadian trash channel Max Renn (James Woods, Hercules) is on the hunt for something exciting. When he comes across a Malaysian broadcast of literal torture, Max falls into a techno-surrealist rabbit hole of hallucinations and grotesque mutations. Videodrome was one of the hierarchy lords of the cult classic subculture. Achieving this status was possibly due to the 1980s fear of underground cult videos, an older generation expressing the danger of new media like the World Wide Web. It’s a prevalent issue that we face today; Cronenberg was just ahead of the time. As long as my iPhone doesn’t start growing a throbbing vagina, I’ll be okay.

Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Master Guide
Konami Corporation
Released: 1996

IT’S TIME TO DUEL! Those who were around the Fox Kids movement probably recall the intensity of the Yu-Gi-Oh! trading card game and the God status sensation of laying down a “Blue-Eyes White Dragon,” completely nuking your competition back to Ancient Egypt. What if you didn’t know the conceptual gameplay, though, only buying the cards because of the cool, cryptid illustrations? (Someone like me.) Luckily, the Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Master Guide will teach you the ways of an elite “duelist.” This step-by-step PowerPoint will break down deck preparation, gaming mechanics, spells and traps. All that I’m missing is the Shonen Board that’s supposed to come with it. 

Z
Director: Brandon Christensen
Hadron Films
Released: 06.01.19

The Parsons are like any other nuclear family in modern America. However, when young eight-year-old Joshua (Jett Klyne, The Boy) creates an imaginary friend named Z, a malignant force begins haunting the household and threatens the lives of all who try to interfere. The frightening story of the paranormal, where it was even given a certified-fresh 97% on Rotten Tomatoes… Nice tryyyyy! You know how much I hate liars, don’t you? This single disc is barfable jizzism that speedruns all tropes and plot twists. I can’t believe something so lazy in its writing could almost be completely forgettable. The only true horror behind this waste of Shudder’s catalog is that this Redbox rental outlived Redbox itself. 

Read more film reviews here:
Film Review: We Live In Time
Film Review: Terrifier 3