Film Review: Tower of Terror

Tower of Terror
Director: D.J. McHale
Walt Disney Television
Originally Released: 10.26.97

(Disclaimer: The following introduction is a parody of the queue monologue from the Walt Disney World attraction “The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror,” as an homage to late creator Rod Serling and all the incredible work he did. Please don’t sue.)

Hollywood, 1997. High off the fumes of their animated renaissance, the Walt Disney Company was showcasing itself as a colossal media empire. A pixie-dusted juggernaut of silver screens, expressing both ambition and imagination to all inspiring filmmakers. However, the immersion of films and family-fun amusement is about to take place… The time is now, on an October evening very much like the one we’ve just read. Tonight’s edition of SLUG Film Reviews is somewhat unique and calls for a different type of introduction. What you may not recognize is the 1997 ABC original Tower of Terror, lost to obscurity and waiting for you. We invite you to read along because, in tonight’s review, the past shines bright like the Hollywood sign. A beacon to signal all us newcomers to… The Twilight Zone… or maybe not, because it’s not specified if this is a CBS property.

Down-on-his-luck tabloid photojournalist Buzzy Crocker (Steve Guttenberg, Short Circuit) is on the hunt for the next big break. With the help of his niece Anna (Kirsten Dunst, Civil War, Spider-Man) and a tip from a peculiar old lady (Amzie Strickland, Pretty Woman), the snooping around leads to the dilapidated Hollywood Tower Hotel, which went out of business the night five individuals—and half of the building—disappeared during a Halloween lightning storm. Hoping to regain his career, Crocker begins to chase the urban ghost story, but things become even more eerie when the two realize those five guests have never left the lobby…

This movie as a whole was less of an original property and more of a two-hour-long theme park commercial. Before the time of the swashbuckling come-up of the Pirates of the Caribbean series and the rough-around-the-edges Jungle Cruise (Damn you, Dwayne!) The movie’s only real purpose is promoting the new-ish drop ride “The Twilight Zone: Tower of Terror” at Walt Disney World. Most of the television movie was filmed in the attraction itself, which makes for some good multipurpose advertising right there. If only they could finally make a rated-R, cow-punching Western out of Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, then we could start a total campaign for the Disney Park cinematic universe. 

I honestly think they should’ve changed the title to “The Leaning Tower of Mozzarella Sticks” because this motherfucking movie is cheesy! Any connection between the characters feels empty. Guttenberg and Dunst, for example, shamble around the set like they’re not sure if they should act like they’re related or have more of a student/professor interaction. Even the five ghosts are just… there. You five have spent half a century stuck in a rundown hotel and you’re treating it like your Doordash delivery is 15 minutes late! All the acting and line-delivering is somewhere between a middle school Shakespeare play and parents presenting their kids with “evidence” that Santa Claus is real. Every serious scene doesn’t hold the soap opera drama that late-90s ABC was known for with acclaimed shows such as General Hospital or One Life to Live. Even the constant one-liners from all the characters can’t pull out the hardy-har-har we want. You would think that with your soul on the brink of being lost forever, you could hold a little bit more density than writing off the whole situation with a diarrhea line like, “Well, we can’t die twice.” Massive cheddar and Swiss cheese factory going on here!

As much as I love trashing these types of melodramatic schlock movies, they’ve fallen into the safety net of immortalizing themselves as holiday movies. You could crank out the shittiest cinematic turd to ever bomb theaters, but if it settles in a make-believe Hallmark town of Melody, Colorado and the spirit of Christmas needs to be brought back to life, you know it’ll be playing in the background through the entire month of December. Holiday movies will get a pass and that means Tower of Terror has completed its course. Maybe not with flying colors, but Cs get degrees, right? Unfortunately, the movie isn’t currently streaming on any platform, but dedicated fans can order it on DVD online. Now that we’re counting down the days to All Hallows Eve and getting cozy in flannel and pumpkin-spiced enemas for days, I’m sure Tower of Terror will be sitting in everyone’s DVD stack for an autumn movie night. –Alton Barnhart

Read more film reviews:
Film Review: Monster Summer
Film Review: A Different Man