Film Review: The Fabulous Four
Arts
The Fabulous Four
Director: Jocelyn Moorhouse
Southpaw Entertainment
In Theaters: 07.26
November 8, 2017 – the day that Donald Trump was elected – was among the worst of my life, comparable to the deaths of my parents. The reason that I mention this is that, while Susan Sarandon used to be a favorite of mine, I put some degree of blame for that nightmare upon her and other extremists who strongly encouraged liberals to boycott the election. The only reason I mention any of this is to give full context to the statement that, for me, The Fabulous Four is still the most unforgivable thing that Sarandon has ever been involved in.
The Fabulous Four is the story of a quartet of old friends reuniting for a wedding in Florida. Lou (Sarandon, Thelma and Louise, Dead Man Walking) is a successful heart surgeon who lives alone with her cats, having never married after the love of her life eloped with her best friend Marilyn (Bette Midler, Hocus Pocus, Beaches). After the death of Marilyn’s husband, she is lost and lonely, and quickly becomes engaged, planning a lavish ceremony in Key West. Alice (Megan Mullally, Will & Grace, Dicks: The Musical), a singer who once toured with the Rolling Stones, and Kitty (Sheryl Lee Ralph, Abbott Elementary, The Young Wife), a cannabis farmer who has a strained relationship with her hyper-religious daughter, are determined to get Lou to come to the wedding and finally bury the hatchet with Marilyn. To get Lou to come to Key West, they concoct an elaborate story about winning a raffle to become the owner of a polydactyl cat from Ernest Hemingway’s estate, and soon the women are reunited. While tension runs high between Lou and Marilyn, Kitty and Alice spend a lot of time getting drunk and high. Lou finally starts to loosen up when she meets a suave man named Ted (Bruce Greenwood, Thirteen Days, Star Trek), and things appear to be working out for a little while until further complications ensue.
Despite starring a group of highly talented performers, The Fabulous Four has a lot of elements working against it, chief among them the abysmal screenplay by Ann Marie Allison and Jenna Milly (You’re Dating a Narcissist!), which is a feeble collection of cardboard characters, stupid situations, and raunchy routines. The crazy contrivances include the aforementioned feline-oriented sub-plot, constant variations on the same marijuana joke, an attempted robbery foiled by using a Kegel ball as a projectile weapon, and a wild bachelorette party at strip club wherein one of these four women inevitably has a shocking discovery you can see coming from at least 20 miles away. The dialogue leaves a lot to be desired: when Kitty’s born again daughter, Leslie (Brandee Evans, Rolling Into Christmas, Unprisoned) wants to put her into a Christian retirement home called Heaven’s Gate, Kitty quips “Heaven’s Gate? More like hell on earth!” and constitutes one of the wittier moments in the film’s poorly conceived jokes about topics ranging from slavery to date rape make for some seriously cringe-inducing moments.
Sarandon fairs best of the cast, and for all of the negativity I cast at her in the opening paragraph, this movie stands as proof that she’s incapable of giving a truly bad performance. This is more than can be said for the campy and constantly mugging Midler, who is only slightly less over the top than she is as the buck-toothed crone Winnifred Sanderson in Hocus Pocus. Ralph is almost as bad, transitioning poorly from the more presentational acting style of a broad sitcom to what should be a more grounded characterization in a feature film, and all that can be said for Mullally is that she’s only asked to portray three states of being: drunk, stoned, and horny, and she convinced me on at least two out of three. A cast of venerated stars giving such sloppy performances and so unable to find convincing chemistry has to be put at the foot of the director, and Jocelyn Moorhouse (Proof, How To Make an American Quilt, The Dressmaker) approaches the material with all of the subtlety and grace of an incontinent sheepdog, and it’s a bit of a surprise that a movie this amateur and slapdash comes from such an industry veteran.
The Fabulous Four is an utter misfire from beginning to end, and the only positive thing I can say about it is that, given the fact that it’s getting minimal publicity and opening opposite the most anticipated Marvel release in a couple of years, this film going to meet a mercifully quick demise at the box office before it goes on to punishing streaming viewers. By far the person who comes off looking best here is Diane Keaton, because her mediocre vehicles such as The Book Club and Summer Camp look quite solid in comparison. –Patrick Gibbs
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