Double Feature: Secondhand Screenings and Scriptures

Well, that was a rough outcome for November, wasn’t it? In these trying times of uncertainty, the people yearn for an honest leader—one who speaks for the masses on equality, blatant truth and the importance of recycling discarded media. My fellow people, I bring to you today another collection of five cast-off cassettes and DVDs to help you through this draconian shift in democracy—media that will make you laugh, cry and ultimately think about your circumstances. In case the power is cut and the Avenues are set ablaze by rioters, I’ve also supplied you with five thrifted picks of literature. All that’s missing is a candlestick. So sit back, relax and enjoy this double feature of secondhand screenings. And remember, no one puts the “A” in “USA” (more like “Anarchy”) like yours truly. Barnhart for President 2028. 

Frank Marino’s Divas Las Vegas Live!
Frank Marino Enterprises
Released: 2010

I haven’t seen this much stuffing and tucking since my last visit to a Build-a-Bear Workshop. The queen of Las Vegas, Frank Marino shantays and sashays across the center stage of the Imperial Palace, gathered by an all-star cast of glamorous drag queen divas. This SIGNED copy shows Marino strutting in their signature Joan Rivers persona, as they introduce the hottest and most talented impersonators including renditions of Lady Gaga, Tina Turner, Celine Dion and Beyoncé. Now, I do think some of the queens could’ve tightened up the lip syncing, but all these queens know how to put on a show! Some of the best performances I’ve seen (well, second best compared to true royalty Ms. Meredith). Get it, girls! 

Frankenweenie (1984)
Director: Tim Burton
Walt Disney Pictures
Released: 12.14.84

When young Victor Frankenstein (Barret Oliver, The Neverending Story) is grieving the loss of his adorable bull terrier Sparky, a spark of true genius comes to reanimate the pup’s corpse. Unfortunately, Victor’s conservative neighborhood begins to fear for their safety. As campy and idiotic as any parodic monster flick manifests to be, at its core, it’s a kind reflection on the emotional bond between a boy and his dog. This is not to say the 2012 animated remake isn’t good, but it doesn’t have Shelley Duvall, and that’ll win me over any day! I just know Mary Shelley is rolling in her grave as the iconic windmill scene from her book is reimagined to take place in a miniature golf course. 

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
Director: Zach Helm
Mandate Pictures
Released: 11.16.07

The eccentric and beyond magical Mr. Magorium (Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man) runs a toy store of pure imagination. When he decides to hand over the reins to his existentially emotional manager Molly (Natalie Portman, V for Vendetta), however, things begin to change darkly within the store itself. What can I say about this forgotten kid flick? It’s wondrous, equally heartbreaking and heartwarming and reminds the most broken of souls to not take life too seriously. Today is a gift—that’s why it’s called the present… that cutesy shit! For the most part, though, the colorful tweedness and the emporium’s waggish and whimsical interior reminds me of the now-debunk Nifty Cool Toys on steroids. Or Black Chandelier injected with uppers. All that’s missing is the bedazzled hissing cockroaches.

The Nightmare Series Encyclopedia
Director: Mark Rance
New Line Home Video
Released: 09.07.99

Freddy fucking Krueger, the haunting “Springwood Slasher” that mutilates any sleeping victim, has scared many children awake since the 1980s. Although I prefer the bulldozer killing machines of Jason Voorhees or Leatherface, Krueger still scared the shit out of me. So, when I came across this lock-click DVD and had no idea where it came from, I was curious. Apparently, this disc came with the Nightmare on Elm Street box set, consisting of all nine full-length films. There’s a behind-the-scenes documentary, an interactive search-and-click game and so many oddities splattered within. The only questionable feature is that, when inserting the disc into your home computer, Krueger will be downloaded onto your desktop to haunt your web-searching forever. I know a virus when I see one!

Socialism: A Clear and Present Danger
Director: Dr. Jamez Kennedy
Coral Ridge Ministries
Released: 2010

My man Jamez loves to fucking yap! This “documentary” is an assemblage of half-baked findings of how socialism is taking over the country. References to Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story and the deep sigh eye roll of Che Guevara’s face plastered on every college kid’s T-shirt were memorable, but it all felt less like solid evidence and more of a “See?! See how bad it is?!” Ah yes, I should definitely trust the straight-laced televangelist with a $2 million net worth. Look, I’m not here to decide who’s right. I think both political parties and organized religions have major flaws. But I do think having faith weighs out having belief. It’s only when we start to merge both church and state that it feels like water on an oil fire… sound familiar?

Blood Meridian
Author: Cormac McCarthy
Pantheon, Random House
Published: 04.85

There is no baby-stepping when it comes to this travesty of human nature. It’s baptism by fire as you adventure with a ragtag posse of scalp-hunters, leaving a bloody streak across the Mexico-United States border. The complete opposite of a romanticized Wild West, Blood Meridian or The Evening Redness in the West presents the vulgar and utmost sadistic side of howdy-doody cowboys. Picture your Marlboro Man or Sheriff Woody—now hang those wholesome souls high next to vulture-pecked carcasses of infants (it’s literally a scene in the book). It’s violent as ever while contrasting with the beautifully poetic, grim jargon of McCarthy. This book only drives the nail deeper by supplying pop culture with the most depraved antagonist: Judge Holden. I would recommend this book, but only to those who have the stomach for it. 

House of Leaves
Author: Mark Z. Danielewski
Random House
Published: 03.07.00

An old flame of mine labeled this bizarro phonebook a “how-to book on going crazy.” SLUG’s Contributing Writer Kirby Dorsey said it scared her so bad, she kept it in her fridge. The four-dimensional labyrinth of House of Leaves could have pulled in the analog horror crowd with its multiperspectival narrative, yet it grew its own cult following from how absolutely difficult it is to read. A story-within-a-story traps you deeper and deeper into an almost-Backrooms pitch where if you don’t read every index or footnote and study every sparing picture, you’ll hit a dead end in the bowels of the no-clipping beast. The claustrophobic tension could force you to back out; it only takes one more page until you’re hooked in to figure out what the hell’s going on. I’m still stuck inside—and I’ve had the book for three months…

Street Sketchbook: Journeys
Author: Tristan Manco
Chronicle Books
Published: 09.29.10

We all have our little obsessions—mine is journals and sketchbooks. Not the practice of jotting down thoughts or feelings, which is also enticing, but the notebooks themselves as they become beaten, battered and stickered to hell and back. These notebooks take on their own life-changing journey and bare their own scars like all of us. This thick, coffee table weight is exactly that, showcasing the rugged artwork and maltreated notebooks of 26 street artists from across the globe. The short blurbs from each artist give decent insight, but a picture’s worth a thousand words. Every medium of artistic theme (watercolors, spray paint, charcoal, etc.) are crusted in the weathered pages like archival visual diaries. The most prominent is the Chilean artist Basco Vasko’s sketchbook, which is a repurposed Korean edition of The Decameron—barely stitched together and exploding with varicolored wonderment. 

The Curse of Lono
Author: Hunter S. Thompson
Bantam Books
Published: 1983

The late and great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson inspired many young writers to unlock that full-sending rawness many have been searching for. That, or he made a lot of impressionable teenagers think drugs are fun with their first viewing of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Complemented with the manic illustrations from the out-of-his-mind talent Ralph Steadman, The Curse of Lono sent Thompson to The Islands of Aloha to cover the Honolulu Marathon. However, in true Thompson fashion, this book is more about the experience than the event itself. Some curators say this memoir depicts the fall of the Gonzo journalist, as most of the manuscript was stolen or written on paper scraps. Despite not delivering the same right-hook like his other classics, The Curse of Lono is still a priceless classic, especially with that notorious cover of Thompson wearing the severed head of a swordfish as a war mask. Don’t believe me? The eBay listing will give you 200 reasons why this limited-run memoir is a classic. 

The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star
Author: Nikki Sixx, Ian Gittins
Pocket Books
Published: 09.18.07

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll—the party lifestyle mantra that can make or break any upcoming rockstar. But when the “drugs” becomes an anchor to the actual music, the downward spiral of addiction crumbles all who tempt. No one knows this demise and rise more than Mötley Crüe’s bassist Nikki Sixx. The Heroin Diaries details a graphic but necessary look at the rockstar’s decline into drug abuse and his eventual ascension into recovery. Darker than the fictional Go Ask Alice, Sixx reflects on the unhealable depths of the ‘80s, leaving a message of “Here’s where I’ve been—don’t follow.” This book may wear a purity-white cover, but nothing can prepare you for the opening of Sixx nearly washing his mouth out with a 12-gauge on Christmas evening. Not. Even. Once!

Read more of the thrifted finds from Secondhand Screenings:
Ten More Secondhand Screenings for the Spooky Season
Six Deep Descents into Deseret Industries’ Bargain Bin