The Best Day of My Whole Life

Well, today was the big day. I had been counting the days all month, and the day was finally here. The best day of my whole life. So, when my posse (Kevin, Kelly and Charlie) pulled up to my door in Kevin’s red T-Bird (my limo for the day) I walked out on the porch, took a deep breath, and said “This is it! This could be the best day of my whole life.” My chariot awaits. 

After a couple of quick stops for cigarettes and booze, we were off. We drove to the fairgrounds, listening to Cheap Trick and scoping babes on State Street, except for Kelly (he’s 7). When we arrived we told the parking lady we were with the band. “Right this way,” she said. Wow, I thought… The Best Day of My Whole Life is here! THE KISS CONVENTION!!!! Twelve hours of KISS stuff, KISS music, KISS people, and the real KISS! Standing in line was fun. We were by these guys who sold their kids’ bikes to get in, or put the tickets on their Mom’s credit card. Guys who had ‘Alive 2’ blaring on the 8-track in their camaro while they pulled out their handmade cheesy 70’s velvet KISS paintings from the trunk. What a scene. Probably going to go down in history as the best day of my whole life. While we were in line, one guys says to his buddy, “I bet the Vegas show will be cool.” His pal sternly corrected him, “Any place KISS is at, is the coolest place to be.” So finally after a cavity search (on my request) they gave us our laminated passes, (not bad for a hundred bucks) and we got in and went up to the convention floor. Kiss-teria everywhere! Old Kiss costumes on mannequins, old KISS flyers, old KISS band photos, old KISS members. Oh, they’re still in the band, sorry. Everybody stood around for an hour or so, until they had the first of the day’s events.

The Drum & Guitar clinics! So a bunch of wannabe musicians (including one guy in a full Gene Simmons costume) Huddled around KISS’ drummer and guitarist to pick up ‘tips’ from rock icons. As if these two are the cream of the musicians crop. The play for KISS, for Chrissake! After more boredom and me thanking God I didn’t pay to get in, out came KISS. Can you say self deification? Well, nobody there could? Was this a Star Trek convention? During the little Q&A period, some guy even asked if Peter Criss’ wink on his last KISS Album signified he was leaving the band. Are you for real? Get on with your life! Where’s William Shatner? Then KISS played ‘Unplugged.’ Didn’t really understand the theory there but they were pretty good. It was funny when they played old songs, because Bruce Kulick (newest guitarist) was looking at them trying to figure out what they were doing. After this mini concert, came the autograph signing. Every record, CD, picture, sock, underwear, anything that reminded these sheep of Kiss was brought out for a chance to be signed by the KISS Gods. The Gene guy brought his bass to be signed. Ace Frehly got his W2 form signed. I wanted to get my ass signed but it’s too hairy. This guy next to Kevin got his KISS album signed and said in total sincerity. “This is the best day of my whole life!” And he meant it. Kevin said if this is the best day of your whole life, you should probably kill yourself.

After that mess, we had to leave. Even Kelly was ready to go. I asked him if he was tired, and he said “No, I’m just tired of these guys.” So we collected our stuff, and piled in the T-Bird. As we drove away, just around the corner two cops pulled over this drunk guy rolling around on the sidewalk in his own urine. I wondered if it was the best day of his whole life too. 

P.S. I didn’t find a big bag of money, no one offered me a better job, and I didn’t get a blowjob. So I don’t think it ranks up there with the best days of my life. It was a day off though.

Read more from Issue 79 here:
Interview with X: July 1995
Little Records: July 1995