King of the (Micro) Nation

Well, folks, it’s time for me to go. No, I’m not leaving my comfortable corner at SLUG Magazine — the crew I work with are absolute legends, and the opportunity has been quite the adventure. However, the current state of the red, white and blue feels even more divided than usual. Tensions are high, eggs are hot commodities and the American Dream is only enjoyed by those who are asleep. So, I think it’s best for me to bundle up my jars of knick-knacks and hightail the fuck out of here!

The only question I have: which country would be the best to settle in? Well, I’m no longer allowed in Mexico because of a swashbuckling cruise line excursion fueled by a messy combination of microwaved lamb chops and rattlesnake-preserved tequila. Canada is nice, but I indulged in a 14-season binge of Degrassi during the pandemic — might be too melodramatic for me. Japan is cool: great oceanside views, traditional cuisine passed down for millennia, exotic club scene straight out of Cyberpunk. The only problem is, if I even attempt to pull out a camera of any kind, I’ll be flagged and ridiculed as a “passport bro.” On a global scale, every country I’ll go to will see me more as a tourist — that dumb American who will commercialize a whole culture if it piques my interest — than a traveler.

I was losing hope… until it dawned on me: Why not make my own nation? Humanity has been doing it since we fought off sabertooth tigers with sticks and stones — why stop now? A quick flip through the YouTube algorithm brought me to the mad lads at VICE as they had a chance to talk to the ungoverned, sovereign presidents and dictators of their very own micronations.

Some base their political ideology on a monarchical divine right theory like the Ruritanian Embassy of Stone Mountain, Georgia, with jeweled crowns and chalices to match. Others strayed into an anarchist view standing under a fluttering smiley face flag, like the Aerican Empire. “Really it’s not about tangible benefit, it’s a question of belonging,” Emperor of the Aerican Empire Eric Lis says. “And if you really get down to it, [belonging] is one of the most powerful things in the world.” Sometimes, these small acts of rebellion are not completely separate from the status quo, but instead an attempted poke-and-prod at how countries are developed. It’s an open playing field of geopolitics, as one leader must decide how to start building with the tools they’re provided. Then, there’s the less obvious factors that go into building a nation, like civil society organizations, providing necessities evenly throughout your territory and engaging in foreign policies. However, right now, we’re focusing on the basics: land, defense and communication.

Finding terrain untouched by the reaching palms of Utah’s government was a hard one to tackle. Every spot downtown, whether a 3×12 alleyway or an abandoned fire escape level, was already spoken for. I set off to conquer sanctioned plots like Antelope Island for its agriculture, only to be chased out by its wildlife (more like a “Buffalo Island,” if anything). The great conquest for Bonneville Salt Flats happened mid-Wednesday when I was about to claim the throne, until Utah Highway Patrol pulled me over, suspecting me of smuggling Deep Roots Harvest contraband back across state lines.

That’s when I found it! Behind Albion Middle School, hunkered down through the BMX dirt hills and Dimple Dell trailhead used for tracking down Slenderman, I found an oval-shaped land mass of gravel and pine foliage cut off from the mainland by the roaring river currents. This is it! This shall be my new nation…

That is, until I intruded on a group of Brighton High School students mid-pipe rotation. Losing hope, my men (my dog Louis and I) were devastated by the loss. We had to think small. We lacked manpower and were leaking resources after all. That’s when we saw it: half a gray-ish black brick, patched with leafy moss. This is our country — the lawless, neo-establishment state of Crancherika (the C is silent). We have a mobile task force in case martial law is in effect, “mobile” because it can fit in a suitcase. Our defenses are highly trained in Defendu and guerilla warfare… or whatever pocket knife I have on hand. And as for the means of communication, it’s a tight, interlaced community who wants zero contact from the outside world.

If you absolutely have to reach out, though, you can message me on Instagram at @alton_barnhart_.

Read more stories from Alton Barnhart:
A Brief Historia and Uncertain Odyssey of the Salt Lake Underground 
God Never Spoke, Only Beast: The Biblical Desperation of Beast Games